Peek-a-boo

Who sees me? I really don't know who I am, so how could anyone else really see me? I wonder what people think when they look at me? I would love to be able to hear other people's thoughts and really be able to see them. I know my thoughts are totally insane. Like, before I was fantasizing about having an out of body experience where I watch myself bleed to death. Weird - right! I guess I'm just having a tough time right now. I'm feeling really needy without having someone in my life who can help define me. There are so many things I should be doing to help me be happy and feel a bit better about myself. I think I ultimately just don't think I'm worthy of anything yet.

So, this is becomming more like an online diary than a blog - but hey. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed.

Dare to Bare

Jessica, Meredith and I went to see an off broadway show called Naked Boys Singing. The show is fairly self explanitory, it's a bunch of boys who were singing and dancing on stage completely naked. There was no real plot - just naked. It was kinda weird and awkward to watch. I was laughing a lot because it was so ... awkward. I felt like little school girl freaking out because of a penis. Speaking of penis - I kinda expected to see some nicer and bigger ones on the actors. However, I will give them a lot of credit. It takes a big person (no pun intended) to perform in the nude. I couldn't do it. They must be very confident and have good self esteem.

No Sauce.

This one's for you Hil! You've inspired me to blog a bit more often. I still plan on blogging about my 101 in 1001, but sometimes there isn't much to say about those items. Somtimes I have other things I want to say. Who are we kidding - I always have something I want to say. It may be theraputic - and we all know how much I love therapy!

Anyway, so tonight I went to book club. Book club is always good time. We usually laugh and eat alot. Probably the two things I do best.

A major decision

This has been my first real weekend alone, and I have to say I felt a little lonely. Let me backtrack just a bit. I broke up with my boyfriend (Dan) a few months ago. We dated for 4 1/2 years and lived together for almost 2 of those years. Overall it was a good relationship, but I think we are better off as friends than we are as girlfriend/boyfriend. I do hope that we both end up meeting people who make us extremely happy - and make us want to be better people.

Breaking it off with Dan was a major decision. And, if you know me - you know decisions are not my forte. It's extremely difficult for me to make a simple decision, like what to wear or eat, so... a major decision is really tough.

Dan recently moved out of our apartment, and this is the first time in my life where I will be alone. No parents, no siblings, no roommates - just me. It’s probably going to be a very different and somewhat intimidating experience. To be honest, I am really scared. What if I find out that I really don't like myself! Does that sound silly? Well, it's just a bit of a concern. I'm also afraid that I will be lonely. This is really the first time in my life where I will make my own decisions on a daily basis and not get feedback from anyone else. Hopefully I won’t beat myself up if I make mistakes.

In the past I never really took the time to get to know myself or make my own choices. I always did what was "expected" or what others thought I should do. I think it will be good for me to live alone. I want to take this time to get to know myself a bit better, and I hope it makes me a better person. Maybe I’ll find out that I am a strong, independent woman who is proud of who she is – whoever that may be.

Tea for Two

Sunday felt like a great New York Kinda day. I met my girlfriend (not lover, but girl who is a friend) for brunch. We went to a place called Alice's Tea Cup. It's super cute there! And... although we were there for brunch, we had a formal high tea. We had tea, sandwiches, cookies and more. It was really yummy! Plus, after lunch we did a little shopping. What a perfect way to spend a rainy Sunday in New York!