Peek-a-boo

Who sees me? I really don't know who I am, so how could anyone else really see me? I wonder what people think when they look at me? I would love to be able to hear other people's thoughts and really be able to see them. I know my thoughts are totally insane. Like, before I was fantasizing about having an out of body experience where I watch myself bleed to death. Weird - right! I guess I'm just having a tough time right now. I'm feeling really needy without having someone in my life who can help define me. There are so many things I should be doing to help me be happy and feel a bit better about myself. I think I ultimately just don't think I'm worthy of anything yet.

So, this is becomming more like an online diary than a blog - but hey. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed.

Dare to Bare

Jessica, Meredith and I went to see an off broadway show called Naked Boys Singing. The show is fairly self explanitory, it's a bunch of boys who were singing and dancing on stage completely naked. There was no real plot - just naked. It was kinda weird and awkward to watch. I was laughing a lot because it was so ... awkward. I felt like little school girl freaking out because of a penis. Speaking of penis - I kinda expected to see some nicer and bigger ones on the actors. However, I will give them a lot of credit. It takes a big person (no pun intended) to perform in the nude. I couldn't do it. They must be very confident and have good self esteem.

No Sauce.

This one's for you Hil! You've inspired me to blog a bit more often. I still plan on blogging about my 101 in 1001, but sometimes there isn't much to say about those items. Somtimes I have other things I want to say. Who are we kidding - I always have something I want to say. It may be theraputic - and we all know how much I love therapy!

Anyway, so tonight I went to book club. Book club is always good time. We usually laugh and eat alot. Probably the two things I do best.

A major decision

This has been my first real weekend alone, and I have to say I felt a little lonely. Let me backtrack just a bit. I broke up with my boyfriend (Dan) a few months ago. We dated for 4 1/2 years and lived together for almost 2 of those years. Overall it was a good relationship, but I think we are better off as friends than we are as girlfriend/boyfriend. I do hope that we both end up meeting people who make us extremely happy - and make us want to be better people.

Breaking it off with Dan was a major decision. And, if you know me - you know decisions are not my forte. It's extremely difficult for me to make a simple decision, like what to wear or eat, so... a major decision is really tough.

Dan recently moved out of our apartment, and this is the first time in my life where I will be alone. No parents, no siblings, no roommates - just me. It’s probably going to be a very different and somewhat intimidating experience. To be honest, I am really scared. What if I find out that I really don't like myself! Does that sound silly? Well, it's just a bit of a concern. I'm also afraid that I will be lonely. This is really the first time in my life where I will make my own decisions on a daily basis and not get feedback from anyone else. Hopefully I won’t beat myself up if I make mistakes.

In the past I never really took the time to get to know myself or make my own choices. I always did what was "expected" or what others thought I should do. I think it will be good for me to live alone. I want to take this time to get to know myself a bit better, and I hope it makes me a better person. Maybe I’ll find out that I am a strong, independent woman who is proud of who she is – whoever that may be.

Tea for Two

Sunday felt like a great New York Kinda day. I met my girlfriend (not lover, but girl who is a friend) for brunch. We went to a place called Alice's Tea Cup. It's super cute there! And... although we were there for brunch, we had a formal high tea. We had tea, sandwiches, cookies and more. It was really yummy! Plus, after lunch we did a little shopping. What a perfect way to spend a rainy Sunday in New York!

#81

I bought new bedding and am not sure how I feel about it. I absolutely LOVED my last bed set. It was a beautiful sage green, but after five years the comforter began to shred. The sheets also ripped too. I'm not in love with my new set, but at least it was relativey inexpensive!

At least the colors go with the apartment. Plus it is only temporary - I assume I will want new bedding in a year or two. Let me know what you think.

Twilight

It's 4:01 in the morning and I just finished reading Twilight. It was fantastic and I plan on reading the second book in the series soon! I also want to see the movie. This is going to sound so stupid, but the book reminded me of my "high school" crushes. Whenever I was around those crushes I remember feeling anxious, excited, happy, triumphant and scared - all at once. It's hard to explain, but there were moments of that all throughout the book. Every girl should be so lucky to find their Edward - someone who is dangerous, beautiful, intelligent, protective, and wholeheartedly loves them.